Low Brow Eye Ltd - Music Technology Consultancy

Well, I think the bad teeth kind of come with the British residency as a form of cultural obligation or something.

I plan to get them fixed properly if I graduate from insane to insanely rich but, knowing my whimsy, that’ll likely involve replacements of faux ivory and ebony (maybe in a white, black, white, black, white, white, black, white, black, white, black, white pattern) or possibly shark’s teeth if I fancy a phobia-driven adrenaline rush everytime I smile into a mirror.

[Coincidentally, I just finished re-watching 8 Diagram Pole Fighter which involves Buddhist monks - who obviously refuse to kill - breaking lots of teeth in a most gruesome manner.]

Right, onwards: am I good in bed?

Why, yes! I have many years of diligent and regular practice at sleeping, dozing, lazing, staring at the ceiling, answering the ‘phone, reading, web surfing, Tumblring, and using battery operated toys (mostly synths and drum machines) in that most comfortable of home locations.

Oh, wait, you mean the sexy stuff? Well, that’s really not for me to say but I have certainly had lots of very satisfied, satiated and exhausted responses purred back at me in recent memory. (Sadly no one has yet written me a LinkedIn recommendation for these accomplishments.)

Y’see, when it comes to making love (predictably, here comes the musical analogy) I treat it like having a wonderful, intimate jam with a passionate, vibrant and accomplished musician. Each of us brings certain prior skills to the gig but together, with lots of joyful exploration and experimentation of each other’s interactivity and responses, new forms of interaction and creative expression can be found and indulged in. Every performance and pairing is different, and generally better than the last, as different patterns, rhythms, positions, touches and strokes are discovered.

Setup, prelude, pizzicato, subtle accelerando, suspension & tension, crescendo, a change of rhythm, time & key signatures, progression, improvisation around some good riffs, counterpoint, reprise, groove, syncopation, harmonisation, modulation, accelerando, crescendo, crescendo, climax, fake ending, crescendo, climax, ritard and coda.

And shortly thereafter, once the reverberation of the successful act has decayed and we’ve recaptured our breath: encores and further improvisation around fruitful figures, riffs and licks.

And, just like a great gig, you know you’ve done it right if the neighbours complain about the noise.

I bet you’re glad you asked now, right?

Hi pseudonymous, why so shy? Oh, wait, I think I can see why.

Firstly, I’m probably not the right person to ask about this subject as its not a problem I’ve yet encountered. I asked the rest of the crew whether they had experienced it at this morning’s team meatmeeting but there certainly weren’t any hands being raised towards the sky at that moment. So it goes.

Secondly, I’m going to assume from context that by “bas” you actually mean “bass” and not barium sulfide as I’m definitely not qualified to discuss whether chemical compounds will have positive or negative effects on one’s love life.

Right, as recently reported, good music arouses the body’s emotions, raises heart rate and blood pressure, heightens senses (including the skin’s response to touch), activates the cerebellum causing additional blood to be directed to the legs and nearby areas, and triggers the release of dopamine — the human biological pleasure juice. Put simply, listening to good music will make you happy and happiness is always a benefit to health.

So, maybe you’re just not listening to good enough music? Ignore Pitchfork Media and mainstream cultural trends for a while and go exploring for some great sounds. There are many lifetime’s worth of wonderful tunes out there to discover, devour and deflower. Keep on exploring, experimenting and indulging yourself in diverse stuff until (and beyond!) you find something that bypasses your conscious analytical brain and touches, teases, and tickles your — for want of a better word — soul directly.

Speaking of soul, Marvin Gaye, Curtis Mayfield, Isaac Hayes and James Brown are well proven starting points. But maybe something different, like Will Smith’s Getting Jiggy With It is more up your back alley? (Although, I guess listening to an album called Big Willie Style may only rub you up the wrong way even further.) There’s a Tumblr devoted to music to have sex to that could be worth investigating.

Of course, everybody is different and — importantly — dynamic. What works today may fail tomorrow so keep on searching, cultivating and refining your own unique tastes, individuality and passions.

As to whether bass will do the trick: uh, maybe? And you possible want hard music rather than wobbly music given your predicament. Bass certainly gets me moving and grooving, but then so do quite a lot of things, and I doubt that I can be taken as representative of real folk. After all, correlations must never be extrapolated from a single data point.

Additionally, although my studies are sadly incomplete on a global level (I’m working on it), from experimenting with those ladies kind enough to consent to an intensive battery of tests on my, uh, horizontal workbench I can state with certainty that a statistically significant percentage of women really do respond to bass (among other things). Salut, señoritas! Big love to y’all. ♥^♥♥

But please don’t get despondent in case you exacerbate possible psychological factors. Keep your chin up, little chap, if nothing else!

(Of course, if your pseudonym indicates that you actually do indulge in regular schadenfreude then maybe you are just reaping some cosmic karma and deserve to be justly mocked for your member’s misfortune and limp capitalisation.)

(Or are you referring to me as Dr Schadenfreude? Hrm, that could be a clue.)